The Facebook Virgin

September 3, 2008 at 12:24 pm 21 comments

It all started with Dave Gahan.

“What, your erotic writing?” I hear you ask. Good guess – for let’s face it, the man’s voice defines “erotic.” Alas, I’m afraid my reply will be far less sexual than the image of me lying naked on my bed in a room lit with candles, listening to Dave singing “Everything Counts” as I tap breathlessly away on my laptop. You see, way back in the old days (roughly a year ago) when I first started getting into this full-time job known as Facebooking, one of my very first Facebook friends was – (drum roll) – Dave Gahan! (And yes, I mean Dave Gahan of Depeche Mode fame.) Some of you may already know about my prolific use of the social networking site Facebook. In fact, I’ve even been mentioned in the Guardian for my Facebooking proficiency. Therefore it seemed like a good idea to become “friends” with Dave Gahan on the off chance that he might actually be Dave Gahan.

Now I’m not so naive as to believe whatever proverbial hogwash someone tells me. Of course I had my reservations as to whether the individual to whom I was engaged in Facebook messaging was, in reality, the man in possession of the most erotic voice ever to ooze from a microphone. To be honest, I was quite coy and dismissive about the whole thing, volleying humourous little barbs into his court as to the nature of his true identity. As time went on, however, he said enough things to make me believe he might be genuine. Perhaps it was a vagueness not to speak all that much about himself (which would have been a dead giveaway that Dave Gahan wasn’t really Dave Gahan – as in trying too hard). Perhaps it was the self-effacing quality he had when he offered me the occasional personal tidbit about his failed marriages and his former drug addiction. But I think it was that sense of insecurity he displayed when making reference to his new solo album that finally clinched it for me. Many artists are insecure about their work, especially those who possess the greatest talent. Ergo I was hooked.

Our Facebook exchanges continued along at a pleasant and steady pace. “Dave” demonstrated a wisdom about life from one who hasn’t exactly had an easy time of it, and we got on quite well, though I still teased him now and again about his identity. He wasn’t at all bothered with trying to convince me – which only served to convince me even more that my Facebook friend was Dave Gahan. Then one day I received an add request on Yahoo Messenger from a man I’d never heard of. Curious, I accepted, my intention being to delete him the moment I found out who he was and what he wanted. He immediately sent me an instant message, saying that he couldn’t go on like this anymore and he had to come clean. It was my Facebook friend – and he was NOT Dave Gahan, but a 37-year-old divorced electrician from Kent. My Dave Gahan bubble had burst.

Could this mean that no one on Facebook is who he or she claims to be? Okay, so call me a skeptic, but I’m beginning to wonder if maybe my new Facebook friend Jimi Hendrix might, in fact, be dead after all. And as for all those pokes I keep getting from Jim Morrison

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This Time Next Year We’ll Be Millionaires! My Suitcase is in Denver… But I’m Not

21 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Gordon Rae  |  September 3, 2008 at 1:08 pm

    The great thing about the internet is we can all be 37 year old divorced elecricians from Kent for fifteen minutes.

    Reply
  • 2. Esri Rose  |  September 3, 2008 at 1:26 pm

    Oh, you are FUNNY. As is your first commenter.

    Reply
  • 3. Martyn Taylor  |  September 3, 2008 at 1:31 pm

    There’s a guy works down the chipshop swears he’s Elvish . . .

    I used to be (one of) The Real Dave Gahan’s financial advisers – back when he hadn’t converted his finance into speedballs and I still did that kind of thing.

    Reply
  • 4. Anne Currin  |  September 3, 2008 at 1:53 pm

    This so true, funny, sad, all of that! So, actually my profile pic is not really me….I am tall, thin and beautiful in “real” life lol!

    Reply
  • 5. steadycat  |  September 3, 2008 at 2:23 pm

    I’m both Ike and Tina Turner. It seems to work well even when I talk to my doctor. πŸ™‚

    Reply
  • 6. steve aylett  |  September 3, 2008 at 4:10 pm

    the Steve Aylett on facebook isn’t me, but a fan who doesn’t seem to be doing any harm…
    Shame about the Gahan thing … at least he felt genuine guilt about it though. But do you feel like you should somehow be given all that time back?
    I think the real Dave Gahan is on facebook, but he’s pretending to be an electrician.

    Reply
  • 7. mitziszereto  |  September 3, 2008 at 5:41 pm

    Yeah it would’ve been nice if he had been DG. 😦

    Reply
  • 8. Michael  |  September 3, 2008 at 7:35 pm

    As the old saying goes, “In cyberspace, everyone is a dog.” My dad remains convinced that absolutely everyone online is a paedophile, despite the fact I’ve been … “legal”, shall we say … for four years and it doesn’t matter a bit anymore.

    I talk to dozens of people online that I’ve never met in real life. But with the advent of webcams and microphones, they have almost all proven to be real.

    I, on the other hand … let’s just say that by now I’ve probably spoken to everyone either on MSN or through a social networking site in one of my many guises πŸ˜›

    This is Bex … er, Darren … er, sorry, MICHAEL, signing off! x

    Reply
  • 9. mitziszereto  |  September 3, 2008 at 7:37 pm

    Darn! Are you saying I should’ve asked Dave to go on cam?

    Reply
  • 10. Stuart Burrell  |  September 3, 2008 at 9:19 pm

    LOL.

    Or was it a smirk pretending to be a LOL?

    This is getting confusing (or is it in fact bewilderment pretending to be confusion? Or is confusion simply pretending to be bewilderment pretending to be confusion to escape the CSA after its wild fling with randomness?)

    Help. Straitjacket please.

    Reply
  • 11. curiouser and curiouser  |  September 4, 2008 at 6:18 am

    I was gonna say… He seemed to have a crazy amount of time for someone trying to promote an album. Man, I wouldn’t have sabotaged that, though!

    This Kent guy sounds promising… Able to actively fulfill a fantasy persona. I missed it if you said, did you get a REAL photo?

    Reply
  • 12. Shirley Rhodes  |  September 4, 2008 at 12:23 pm

    How funny – glad you can keep your sense of humor and realize how naive or just plain fooled. If his real name is Tom, I’d call the book “Tom Foolery goes to Washington” – lol.

    Reply
  • 13. Ralph Mills  |  September 4, 2008 at 12:43 pm

    It’s great news that no-one and nothing on FaceBook is believable, because then I’m actually a hunky, tanned six-packed successful author merely masquerading as a grubby-minded late middle-aged shaven-headed pale bloke struggling to string two erotic sentences together. But then what stares balefully back from the mirror is the same face as my FB profile pic, so I must have set something up wrong. Ho hum

    Reply
  • 14. Lisa M  |  September 4, 2008 at 4:02 pm

    What a great blog, Mitzi! It’s so true that there are many,many people on FB pretending to be someone they are not. Some are quite obvious (for instance- I know that Richard Gere was not born in the 70’s) and some not so much, that you start to believe it’s the real person until, like you and DG, your bubble is burst and you realize you are exchanging deep conversations with an electrician in Kent. However, I do know that there are many people as well that are who they say they are. It’s just a matter of finding out the truth. I ersonally don’t realy understand why someone would take so much time and effort to pretned to be someone else, but maybe it’s the fantasy of the adoration of the fans. I do know that when I first joined FB, I wasn’t even aware that any “famous” people had accounts. but then I met Johnny Cash….;)

    Reply
  • 15. DJ Kirkby  |  September 5, 2008 at 5:38 am

    Oh brilliant, a good laugh was just what I needed this morning. Thanks.

    Reply
  • 16. DJ Kirkby  |  September 5, 2008 at 5:38 am

    P.S. I have linked to you form my main blog ‘Chez Aspie’. xo

    Reply
  • 17. Cameron Williams  |  September 9, 2008 at 5:55 pm

    Yes, it’s rather disappointing to see so many poseurs…. I don’t understand why so many feel the need to be someone else online, or otherwise.

    Reply
  • 18. Writer Mitzi Szereto’s Facebook Adventure « Mike Cane 2008  |  September 15, 2008 at 9:32 pm

    […] Writer Mitzi Szereto’s Facebook Adventure The Facebook Virgin […]

    Reply
  • 19. mikecane  |  September 15, 2008 at 9:36 pm

    I’m glad I don’t Facebook. On MySpace I *do* know that the Roger Corman who is there is the *real* Roger Corman. Same for the writers and musicians I have as Friends. Maybe you should switch. Better music there, anyway! Funny post!

    Reply
  • 20. Angela Lansbury  |  October 1, 2008 at 12:05 am

    How do I get rid of somebody like that without offending them?
    I’ve been invited to be a friend of Marilyn Monroe.
    On other sites you can block people.
    PS It’s my real name.
    I am not the actress. I’m the author.
    I bet John Brown has trouble, too.
    Equity or one of the acting associations bans you from having the name of an existing actor.
    It should be illegal to have an existing name.
    Duplicate names of roads and cities should also be obliged to add a number after themselves to prevent confusion just like names of websites.

    Reply
  • 21. mitziszereto  |  October 1, 2008 at 12:23 am

    Tell them you’re deceased. πŸ˜‰

    Reply

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What I Get Up To

I write, I blog, I Mitzi TV, I network, I breathe, I get my name in the press... I'm a true Renaissance lass! My books include IN SLEEPING BEAUTY'S BED: EROTIC FAIRY TALES; GETTING EVEN: REVENGE STORIES (crime); THE NEW BLACK LACE BOOK OF WOMEN'S SEXUAL FANTASIES (non-fiction/survey); DYING FOR IT: TALES OF SEX AND DEATH (multi-genre); THE WORLD’S BEST SEX WRITING 2005 (non-fiction/criticism); WICKED: SEXY TALES OF LEGENDARY LOVERS; the EROTIC TRAVEL TALES anthology series; the M. S. Valentine erotic novels; and a slew of titles available on Amazon Kindle. Find me on Facebook, MySpace, Twitter, Flickr, LinkedIn, Plaxo, Tumblr, Plurk, Social Median, and wherever else I might decide to turn up!

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